One year ago, we started the next phase...

One year ago this week (March 2, 2016) Jason and I signed papers for the next phase of our infertility journey.

I might not have remembered this exact day, except that I documented it in my Bible.  I (almost) read through the whole Bible last year, and am doing it again this year with Jason – although we realized it may take us 2 years at the pace we are going.

A week ago, we approached Exodus 13.  God had just freed the Israelites from being slaves in Egypt.  As we read it, I saw a note in the margin and was reminded of how the Lord also lead Jason and me in a round-about way to where we were in that moment.

The Scripture says:

“When Pharaoh let the people go, God did not lead them by way of the land of the Philistines, although that was near. For God said, “Lest the people change their minds when they see war and return to Egypt.” But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. – Exodus 13:17-18

The Lord knew that leading the Israelites by the way of the Philistines (the enemy) would be shorter and more direct.  But it would not be the best for the people – their faith was perhaps not as strong and not ready for that experience.  So, God in his mercy lead them by the longer route, around the Enemy.  At first, this seems so gentle and kind of God to care for His people by not giving them more than they could handle.

But what happens next?  The RED SEA!?

Did God think that coming up on the Red Sea would not scare His people?  Would going by the Enemy camp really have been that bad?  Surely the Israelites could have at least fought their way through, whereas the Red Sea meant death.  What was God thinking?

First, the Israelites didn’t even know that God led them away from the Enemy.  God just did that without the people realizing.  They weren’t even aware of His protection of them by leading them around.  I’m so glad that this detail is included here for us to see how God works for us and for His glory in ways we don’t even know about!

Second, I think the best part of this is that God knew all along that He was bringing them to the Red Sea.  It’s almost comical, because the people are so afraid and even angry by their arrival at the impassable water, but God is totally in control and of course was aware from the beginning of time that He would be leading them to this point.

How quickly we forget He lead them there.  Therefore, it’s his ‘problem’ to figure out. Of course, it’s not a problem from God’s perspective, but rather a divine opportunity to show His power.

The text could have easily said, “God did not lead them by the way of the Enemy camp because they were not ready, in their own strength, to figure that out.  And also that would not have brought God as much glory as the second option.  So instead, God lead them to the Red Sea so that they would not even need to fight – instead the Lord would part the waters.  Thus his people would be taken care of far better than they would have if they had to fight an Enemy AND He would receive all the glory.”

Genius.

He is God after all.

As I read my note from last year, and as I think about all the movements the Lord lead us through getting from there to where we are now, I can’t help but acknowledge His wisdom and His goodness to us.

Yet, the decisions of this past year were not made without struggle.  And I know there will still be reacting and rebelling to different situations ahead of us.  Unfortunately, we are not that different from the Israelites.

To be honest, both Jason and I have questioned God at different times along this journey and with different aspects of it.  We have wondered about God’s plan.  We have thought we knew better.

Thankfully, God is merciful and good and while He is with us in our struggle, he does not leave us there.  Like with the Israelites, He has a plan that is far better for us, and will bring Him greater glory.

He leads us, guides us and ultimately parts the seas for us that we might see Him more clearly and acknowledge that He is God through it all.

As Jason and I are on the edge of becoming parents, my anxiety and worry has increased in anticipation of our future.

Still, even in my deepest fears, I am unable to forget God’s faithfulness to us.

I have documented much of our journey – primarily for those moments of doubt, those days of confusion, those nights of frustration.

To remember His presence has always been, and will always be with us, just like the pillar of cloud by day and pillar of fire by night to guide the Israelites.

And just like he paved the way for the Israelites, even in the midst of their fear and doubt, He won’t stop leading, guiding and drawing us to Himself today.

His plans for us are good, and we can trust Him.

*After writing this post, I heard this song, and it's become a favorite to mark this season in my life*

Red Sea Road - by Ellie Holcomb

The danger of black and white thinking in devotions

I'll confess that I struggle with black & white thinking.  You can either give it all, or you can give it nothing.  The answer is either yes or no.  There's no middle ground.  I despise uncertainty and ambiguity makes me nervous.  How did I ever survive 3 years in S. Asia? #ByGodsgracealone.

And of course, marriage does a wonderful job at putting this personality quirk of mine (aka: sinful desire for control) in the pressure cooker!  Thankfully, Jason finds my unwavering dogmatic approach to life occasionally strengthening and encouraging, and the rest of the time humorous.

Anyway, this morning, my craving for all or nothing results definitely distracted me from some sweet time with the Lord.  Maybe you can relate.

I took a break from work this morning to sit down this morning and read through Colossians, a book of the Bible that the women in my church are studying this Fall.

Here's how my thoughts when as I sat down to read:

Ahh, yes, I can just read this book straight through...that's the goal for today.

(started reading the first verse)

But maybe I should read all the notes and helps to really grasp it...No, that'll come later...just read the text.

Maybe I should listen to it in audio form...

Maybe I should read it in 2-3 different translations, yeah, I'll do that...

(reading the second verse now)

I should probably listen and read at the same time...nah, I'll read first, then listen.

(reading the third verse)

I should memorize a part of this book...wait how long is it anyway...Yeah, I could try to memorize the whole thing!

(reading the 4th verse)

Wait...I should write a blog post on how distracted I am by trying to become the master of the book of Colossians instead of just reading it for whatever the Lord has in it for me today.

(going to get computer...now typing this blog post...)

Hmmm.

Lesson for today:

Sometimes it's better not to make lofty goals for the future that only distract from the simple things of now.  #beinthemoment  #simplyreadGodsWord #hereandnow

It's not whether you win or lose...

Growing up, I played just about every sport available.  I even played on a basketball team where I was the only girl.  I'm not sure who was more committed to it, my dad or me :-)

But playing sports did give me a well-rounded upbringing and I'm thankful for all I learned in each sport I played.

Given that sports was a part of our lives, my dad would often say:

'It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.'

Now, as I grew up, I would come to know just how enjoyable winning actually was to my dad.  And is to me too.  #competitive #monopoly #basketball #canjam #volleyball #bocceball  --Basically, if you've played any kind of game with my dad, you know what I'm talking about.

Still, his mantra and his example showed that attitude and character were worth far more than winning.  Well, at least most of the time :-)

Unfortunately, I don't hear this idea communicated very often today.

I started reading the book "Ordinary" by Michael Horton about couple months ago.  I shared some brief quotes and my reflections on those quotes from the first chapter in this post.  I read the following quote in chapter 3, which reminded me of my dad, and how vastly different his viewpoint was from from the mainstream culture of today.

"Behind selfish ambition and this exuberant cult of the immediate experience-in-the-moment lurks a haunting nihilism.

We came from nowhere and we are going nowhere, but somewhere in the middle of it all, we have to make a big splash.  Every moment must be charged with excitement.  "If the dead are not raised," Paul famously concluded by quoting a line from a Greek comedy, "let us eat, drink, for tomorrow we die." (1 Corinthians 15:32)

The technical term of this is narcissism. (pg 54)

"In other words, winning is everything today.  The point isn't even what we win, but that we win.  the goal slips from view - or rather shifts from someone or something else to ourselves." (pg 55)

This quote is convicting on several levels.

It reinforces the truth that "we are but a vapor" (James 4:14).

It calls to attention our infatuation with the worldly elation that comes when all praise and glory falls on us for one reason or another. (Matthew 6:1, Ephesians 6:7, Colossians 3:23)

This warped way of living has so infected our being that we have settled for our own temporary self-righteous towers of popularity rather than the eternal relationship for which we were created.

As C.S. Lewis says, "We are far too easily pleased."

Christ in the Vessel- Streams in the Desert Devotional

"Let us pass over unto the other side" (Mark 4:35).
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Even when we go forth at Christ's command, we need not expect to escape storms; for these disciples were going forth at Christ's command, yet they encountered the fiercest storm and were in great danger of being overwhelmed, so that they cried out in their distress for Christ's assistance. Though Christ may delay His coming in our time of distress, it is only that our faith may be tried and strengthened, and that our prayers may be more intense, and that our desires for deliverance may be increased, so that when the deliverance does come we will appreciate it more fully. Christ gave them a gentle rebuke, saying, "Where is your faith?" Why did you not shout victory in the very face of the storm, and say to the raging winds and rolling waves, "You can do no harm, for Christ, the mighty Savior is on board"?
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It is much easier to trust when the sun is shining than when the storm is raging.
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We never know how much real faith we have until it is put to the test in some fierce storm; and that is the reason why the Savior is on board. If you are ever to be strong in the Lord and the power of His might, your strength will be born in some storm.