Friday, September 18, 2009

I have to go back…

A few thrown together thoughts, once again, on the battle of loving life “here” and yet, realizing the strong desire to be “there!”

It’s true what they say, “you can’t get it out of ya.” I went to India in 2005, and spent 26 months there (with a few trips in between to Thailand for training). I didn’t come home during that time.

I wanted to come home, and missed home many times, but I honestly thought there was a good chance I’d live in that little Indian village for the rest of my life! I envisioned raising kids there, and becoming a real part of the community. When I left after 2 years, I knew it was time to go, but I still had a desire to live there.

This past year, in “Pan Town,” it was a bit different. I not only missed home, I longed for home. My mind wouldn’t allow me to picture living life there longer term. When the day came for me to go home, in spite of the tears of leaving friends, there was no stopping me (not even strikes all the way to the airport! – see separate blog post!). I couldn’t wait to get home.

So, now that I’m here…now that I’m “home,”…why is it that a face on a magazine, a movie taking place in Central Asia, a map of the world at a coffee shop, all seem to call me back?

Not necessarily to that one particular village in India…but back, to that side of the world. Why?

I thought about it today, and thought, “well, maybe this is a situation where the ‘grass is greener on the other side.’” But, that doesn’t exactly apply in this case. For one thing, the grass is way greener here! What I mean by that is, I’m definitely very thankful for my constant electricity, my water that is clear and hasn’t run out yet, and being able to be understood the first time I say something. Not to mention the people who know me like no one else, aka- my family.

It really is glorious being home. There’s no place like it.

I’m certainly not longing to get away from what I have here. But the almost daily glimpses of the world over there, cause me to stop and wonder once more what it is that I’m living for, and what am I doing with this life that I’ve been blessed with.

I guess, in some ways, I’m really glad that there is somehow an insuppressible desire to go back. After this last year, in Pan Town, I was a little concerned that I had gotten so worn out, I wouldn’t really want to go back and live in that setting again. And while I don’t think it’s the right moment for me to return long term, I definitely see living life longer term overseas as a possibility for the future! In fact, not just a possibility, but I think I’d go crazy if it didn’t come into play at some point! I’m keeping my fingers crossed that that’s a part of God’s plan…

And yet…what does God have planned? Would he call me to live in a remote area for a longer period of time again? Would he have me stay right here? What is His purpose for this deep desire I have to live on the furthest corners of the earth? What is He thinking? What is He planning? How does He want to use the world that He made, the places and people in it, to shape me into who He is still forming me to be – something He knows down to the last detail, but something I’m only beginning to understand.

One thing I know…He’s got is all figured out already! And He can’t wait to watch it happen, and to see my reaction as I live out the Story He has already written for my life.

Help me remember God, that whatever the Story is that you have written for me,- whether here or there- that it is the best possible Story you could have ever thought of writing, and you have known about it since the beginning of time!

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