Wholly Done Whole30

I'm thrilled to say I'm done with Whole30!

Over the past 60 days, I've done 2 rounds of Whole30.  In both sets of 30 days, I had some slip ups that I didn't realize, as well as just a few flat out "I know this isn't Whole30 compliant, but I don't care" moments. I'm not proud of those moments, but at least I'm honest :-)

Pros and cons of my Whole30 experience.

Pros
- learning what a spaghetti squash and butternut squash are, and am now able to cooked them successfully.  I have enjoyed incorporating new whole foods into our diet more regularly.

- benefitting from the nutritious healthy fats in avocados!  I've eaten more avocados in the past 60 days than I ever have in my whole life.  I can't say that I like avocado now, but I eat a little bit almost every morning now with my eggs, and feel it helps me feel full til lunch.

- a slight improvement in my acne, but that could also be due to smiling more, drinking turmeric (yeah right), using a different face wash, or or even the weather.  I really couldn't say if it was due to eating more 'real food' but perhaps it could be.

- a slight improvement in energy levels - I have a bit more stamina now than I did before.

- it fit my all or nothing personality - I'm an "all or nothing" kind of person, so having a diet plan that tells you 'Absolutely no' to certain things was helpful for me as opposed to a plan that says, 'just a little bit.'

Cons:
- my obsession over food - During my Whole30 experience, I started to think about food almost pretty much all the time.  And I became a food nazi.  It started out okay, but became more destructive than helpful. Ask my husband.

- failing my perfectionistic mentality - Because this plan worked well with my "all or nothing," personality, it backfired when I failed.  When I failed with Whole30 unconsciously or otherwise, I was really hard on myself, felt like I would never do it completely right, and convinced myself that getting Whole30 right was somehow all of the sudden the ultimate goal in all of life!

- my need to plan, and my plans that fail- The goal is healthy food. And planning helps greatly with that. But when life demands a deviation from the plan and relationships are at stake, it might be wise to choose the "quick & still pretty healthy" option over the "it'll take forever to cook, but it's all organic and you'll surely have super powers if you eat it" option. I'm just sayin.

Enjoying a few bites of guilt free fro-yo this past weekend
with my handsome man!

- my insane craving for sugar - In the Whole30 world, they call it the "dragon." I found that refusing to allow myself something sweet once in a while (like honey in tea), resulted in more anger and frustration than it was worth.  Cutting out all sugar did reveal my 'dependence' on sweet things in an unhealthy way, and my plan moving forward is to limit these more than I did in the past.  But I'm also going to allow myself some truvia in my cup of tea, and not feel guilty about it.

- my negative mood - Part of the reason I started Whole30 in the first place was to try and balance my hormones.  I wanted to see if it could improve my mood, which generally has more lows than highs. If anything, my mood was worse the entire time I was doing Whole30. Other Whole30 followers shared that their mood never got better either, so I'm not the only one.  Either way, my mood has been so much better since I stopped Whole30, so there's something to be said about that!

CONCLUSION and FUTURE PLAN:
I'm glad I did Whole30.  I'm thankful for what I learned, even through the hard things.  But I'm glad it's over and I don't plan to do another strict Whole30 process anytime soon.  That being said, I'm still planning to limit dairy, almost all sugar, beans, and most gluten products, at least for a while.  I will strive to eat healthy, but I hope to come out from under the control of food, and work towards a balanced perspective that allows for a little sweetness here and there :-)

If it's hard, it must be right. Right?

Many times the RIGHT thing is hard.
But the hard thing
is not always the right thing.

Last week I wrote about my discouraging experience with turmeric.

To bring you up to speed, I had been drinking a concoction with turmeric in it in attempts to boost fertility, only to find out that there are just as many websites that say it can help you get pregnant as there are ones that say it is actually used as a contraceptive!

It would have been one thing if the elixir was tasty.  But no.  Drinking turmeric was NOT fun or easy.  It took time to make it and will power to swallow it.

Reflecting on this aspect, I realize I've often made decisions and lived my life by the motto: "if it's hard, it must be right."  Drinking turmeric is case in point.

Another personal example would be living on the other side of the world.  'It must be what God wants me to do, because it's 'harder.'  Of course, staying here is 'hard' in different ways!  I know now that each place has it's own joys and hardships.

Regardless of which is harder, and regardless of if drinking turmeric would even be considered a 'hard thing to do' compared to other significantly harder things, the point is that the level of difficulty can't be the only determining factor for our choices.

And of course it wasn't the only determining factor in me drinking turmeric.
But given that it was hard did make me feel like I was doing something worth something.

It's true, most things in life that are worth something require hard work.

But is that hard work a reflection of my strength or the Lord's?

Doing hard things and succeeding at them can result in my own glory if I am not careful.

I believe God wants me to use the ingenious mind He gave me to research, to study, to learn, to grow, to make good decisions based on the information I have. I definitely don't believe in "sitting back and relaxing."

However, there may be situations where I am placing too high of a value or trust in what I can do, and not truly submitting myself to the will and the power of the Lord.  Drinking turmeric in and of itself isn't necessarily right or wrong morally, and it may or may not have helped with fertility.  But my experience with it has reminded me that at the end of the day, the Lord wants me to trust Him, and only Him.

I'm thankful that the Lord is constantly giving me circumstances to increase my dependence on Him, because He knows that this posture is the best one for me.  The one where I know I can't, and only by His grace, I trust that He can.

Just when you think you're doing the right thing...

Probably a year ago, I started learning about turmeric.

I read about it's many health benefits.  Three caught my attention.  I read that turmeric could do the following:

1- decrease acne

2- improve mood

3- increase fertility

At first, I made a yellow paste to put on my face which didn't help my acne, but rather stained my face yellow for several hours.  Other than that, I didn't really do much with the information.

Finally, a couple weeks ago, I decided it was time to invest more deeply, and start ingesting the bitter powder.

So, I made a hot drink with almond milk, a few other spices and turmeric.

In spite of what people claimed about it's "silky" flavor, it was gross.

I mean, "silk" isn't a flavor anyway, it's a kind of fabric.

What inspired me to drink it in the first place were the things I read online like:

"Here's a spice you might already have in your pantry that will support your reproductive health and boost your chances of getting pregnant!  What is it?"  Turmeric!” https://www.floliving.com/boost-fertility-with-food/"

"Research shows that turmeric has medicinal benefits for treating inflammatory conditions of the joints, muscles and nerves, autoimmune inflammation, autoimmune fertility health conditions and may be helpful for those dealing with fertility health conditions like: PCOS, Endometriosis, Uterine fibroids, ovarian cysts, premenstrual pain, etc."http://natural-fertility-info.com/turmeric-for-fertility.html

The only good thing about turmeric is
drinking it from a Disney
mug...which...nearly got
stained by the awful yellow stuff!

So, believing everything I read on the World Wide Web, I started making a daily concoction of Turmeric.

I eventually ditched the almond milk, and instead mixed water, turmeric, lemon juice and pepper, because pepper is supposed to make it more potent, or allow it to more easily absorb into your blood stream or something like that.  I didn't use any sweetener or vanilla extract because I'm also doing Whole30 right now which forbids those.

So yeah, it tasted pretty terrible.

For starters, it definitely didn't improve my mood. In fact, my husband Jason can tell you just how bad of a mood I was in every time I had to drink it!

But I was determined (aka: stubborn, strong-willed).

So I continued to dirty up a blender every day to drink this disgusting stuff.

Until today.

Today, for some reason I looked it up online again: turmeric and infertility, that is.

Now, please know that this is probably the hundredth time I've looked this topic up, so I did do my research before drinking it the first time.  But for some reason, new websites began to appear this time around.  Or maybe they were old, but they were definitely ones I hadn't seen before.

My heart just kinda stopped when I read things for the first time like:

Turmeric is traditionally used as a contraceptive tool to prevent pregnancy. http://www.turmeric.com/womens-health/herbal-birth-control-fertility-protection”

Before modern science invented today’s methods of controlling childbirth people were using herbal based natural remedies. Turmeric was also used as one. Turmeric can be used to block conception.  According to Ayurveda, taking 4-5 gms of turmeric every day during periods will prevent pregnancy during next ovulation period!"http://www.turmericforhealth.com/turmeric-benefits/how-turmeric-benefits-female-reproductive-systemx

Really?

Seriously?

Is this right?

This must be a joke!?

There couldn't be more conflicting information!

Regardless of how accurate anything was or is, if you were me reading this information, you would have wanted to just sit down and cry in shock and disappointment.

"As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." ~ Isaiah 55:9

I'm sure that God has, and will continue to call me to hard things, but I'm convinced that drinking turmeric is not one of them.

After all the things I've read on both sides of the spice, I can't even say if turmeric would help or prevent pregnancy, but who really can say that anyway?

I do know that it has had negative effects on my mood, which I know (or thought I knew), can affect pregnancy, not to mention my marriage, and overall perspective on life!

I regret the gallon or more I've already consumed, but I'm relieved that I am not planning to swallow any more of it!  At least not until someone or something that is qualified and knows all things tells me otherwise.  So yeah, not ever again.

The danger of black and white thinking in devotions

I'll confess that I struggle with black & white thinking.  You can either give it all, or you can give it nothing.  The answer is either yes or no.  There's no middle ground.  I despise uncertainty and ambiguity makes me nervous.  How did I ever survive 3 years in S. Asia? #ByGodsgracealone.

And of course, marriage does a wonderful job at putting this personality quirk of mine (aka: sinful desire for control) in the pressure cooker!  Thankfully, Jason finds my unwavering dogmatic approach to life occasionally strengthening and encouraging, and the rest of the time humorous.

Anyway, this morning, my craving for all or nothing results definitely distracted me from some sweet time with the Lord.  Maybe you can relate.

I took a break from work this morning to sit down this morning and read through Colossians, a book of the Bible that the women in my church are studying this Fall.

Here's how my thoughts when as I sat down to read:

Ahh, yes, I can just read this book straight through...that's the goal for today.

(started reading the first verse)

But maybe I should read all the notes and helps to really grasp it...No, that'll come later...just read the text.

Maybe I should listen to it in audio form...

Maybe I should read it in 2-3 different translations, yeah, I'll do that...

(reading the second verse now)

I should probably listen and read at the same time...nah, I'll read first, then listen.

(reading the third verse)

I should memorize a part of this book...wait how long is it anyway...Yeah, I could try to memorize the whole thing!

(reading the 4th verse)

Wait...I should write a blog post on how distracted I am by trying to become the master of the book of Colossians instead of just reading it for whatever the Lord has in it for me today.

(going to get computer...now typing this blog post...)

Hmmm.

Lesson for today:

Sometimes it's better not to make lofty goals for the future that only distract from the simple things of now.  #beinthemoment  #simplyreadGodsWord #hereandnow

What keeps you from reading the Bible?

Over the past week, I've thought a lot about goals.

I love setting goals.
I love making lists.
I thrive on organizing my life by making plans.

However, I have realized that not all goals I set actually come to fruition.

On April 19, I said I wanted to write on certain topics I've been learning about.  So far, I have only written on 3 of the 5 I initially set out to write.  On January 1, I made a list of goals for 2015.  One of those goals was to write a blog post every Monday and Tuesday and then also blog post of pictures on Wednesdays.  While I thought about blogging every week, I definitely haven't posted nearly as often as my initial goal.

Those two goals are "incomplete" in my mind.  Instead of seeing what progress I have made, I focus on the 'failure' of meeting the goal.  And this partial reality combined with my black and white personality, tends to lead to complete disregard of the original goal or plan.

Better to do nothing then do something half-way, right?
I'm not sure.

I had another goal for 2015 of reading the Bible in a year chronologically.  But soon after making that goal, I took a side-step and focused more deeply on the book of Hebrews for a while.  So I'm not going as fast, or in the order I initially planned, but I'm going further into God's Word...and that doesn't seem like a bad change of plans.

And yet, I often struggle to maintain a steady dose of God's Word in my life.  It's this goal, I have been thinking the most about recently.

What keeps me from reading the Bible?

I can become too legalistic in my approach to God's Word.  If I think I have to have a certain set of colored pencils, or a certain type of notebook, or a specific reading plan in order to read His word... I have made engaging with the Lord an academic-only process and am not looking for internal change, but just something to check off a list.

I also find myself listening to the Enemy convince me that my way is flawed.  If I think that my style or method of reading God's word isn't complete or isn't sufficient and I give up, then I have allowed the Enemy to steal grace, and have accepted the lie that I need to 'be better' or 'do more' before coming to God's Word.

But I need to remember, there is grace for me as I come to the Word of God.

I need to remember that our life is indeed shorter than I realize, but our days are longer than I have strength for.  Very likely, I won't have a perfectly filled journal or nicely categorized blog posts on every single Bible verse I read.  Very likely I will need God's Word in my life regardless of how organized I am in my approach of it.  Very likely, I will not always follow through on my Bible-reading goals.

But, the One who made me desires me to come to Him regardless of what goals from yesterday were left incomplete.  He wants to speak to me, and He has given me a massive book to read with all of His words in it.  How can I let my perfectionism keep me from listening?

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. - Hebrews 4:12

The long journey to retrieve realistic thoughts

There was a (long) season of my life where I was all too comfortable with the intricate details of traveling to another country and back again.  Packing was easy and I could get through customs and immigration in my sleep.  I was rarely stressed, and the airport (in any country) felt like home.  I knew exactly how much 3oz of liquid was, and always had extra zip-lock bags.  Traveling with only a carry on for any length of trip meant wheeling that around and carrying a small "personal item."  Still, I was still the fastest person through security on any given day.  Delayed flights were opportunities for blog posts, jet-lag was no problem for melatonin, and I always had exactly what I needed, or could easily figure out something with what was available locally.

I've been out of the routine now, for a little while (minus traveling for 5 weeks to S. Asia last summer on a Discover Trip), but the travelling life image came back to me yesterday as I was thinking about my own thoughts and feelings.

Except this time, it wasn't the easy breezy trip prep, journey and unpacking as it had once been.  It seemed much more involved and in the end hardly worth it.

Let me explain.

Two nights ago, I was in Walmart waiting for my husband, Jason, to get some shampoo.  Unknown to me, he decided since he was over in that area to pick up something else he needed.  While it felt like an eternity to me, he came back in what was probably a fairly long 9-10 minutes.  I doesn't soudn like saying it like that, but at the time it felt so long that I started to wonder if he had checked out at another register and might be waiting for me in the car!  Note: He would never do that, and I know that!

Anyway, while I waited, the negative thoughts started in.

"Why is he taking so long?  Doesn't he know we have other things to do?  Doesn't he understand that I am waiting for him?  He is over getting his own personal things, but I have spent the past 15 minutes getting stuff for our family as a whole.  Why do I always have to wait for him?" and on and on the thoughts went.

I struggled.  I fought.

I tried hard to get the positive, or even just the realistic thoughts back in my mind... those truths of: "My husband loves me.  He knows I'm waiting, and I know that he will come as fast as he can.  He isn't in this store for his own sake, he is intentionally getting things we need.  He knows we have other things to do, he will come back soon....Remember the days when you wished you had a husband to wait for?"

There were traces of those positive truths here and there in my mind as I waited -- kind-of like a flight confirmation code gives you the promise of your trip.

But in order to get to the other side - to the land of realistic thought patterns, bags have to be packed, someone takes me to the airport, I have to remove my shoes, get through security, find the gate, at the right terminal, deal with delayed flights, jet-lag, arrival, customs & immigration, locate a taxi, experience strange smells and sounds, unpack my bags, rest, and then, finally, the positive outcome of retrieving the appropriate attitude filter for the situation.

Wow.

Way. To. Much. Work.

For others, positive or realistic responses to a (stressful or annoying) situations come easily and quickly.  I've noticed it's this way for Jason.  When a potentially unnerving situation arises, it seems like Jason rarely (if ever!) is negatively affected or responds negatively to it.  His ability to react well to frustrating circumstances is unparalleled to any I have ever seen!  Especially my own.

It takes me a long time to get there.

Like traveling around the world, it takes an insane amount of mental energy to move from the instantaneous negativity taking off, to actually begin the descent and land on a realistic viewpoint.

So is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle of traveling around the world to get those realistic and positive attitudes to replace the negative ones that come so immediately?

On the one hand, I've put in the hard work of going to the far corners of the earth to get those truths and have had some victories overcoming the negative assumptions that flood my mind.  Being able to see clearly or to move through a situation with realistic perceptions is freeing!

But, I've also struggled to choose the right response and the outcome hasn't been so great.  Either because I gave up halfway, because the journey was too daunting (aka: my pride was too great), or because the other travelers involved (aka: Jason) didn't do what I was hoping in the midst of my journey which then complicated everything!

While it is a fight, and while it doesn't result in victories by my measurements every time, I know that there is a point to it all.

"In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.  Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received from me -- everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8-9

We are not to fill our minds with these things just for the sake of thinking nice thoughts.

We are not to persevere in this mental challenge when it feels like it is impossible just to fill our time.

These attitude shifts and expectation adjustments result in the peace of God being with us.

That, I do believe, is worth it.

Stories within stories

Setting up for the interview

"Most of our interviewers don't ask about my childhood… it always starts when Darryl and I met, and then focuses on Darryl's Major League Baseball career…"

Tracy Strawberry trailed off as she gracefully recalled traumatic events from her childhood and into her adults years before she ever met Darryl.

On Monday, March 9, I had the honor to listen to 4 hours of Darry and Tracy Strawberry share their life from their earliest memories until current day.

Darryl is a former National League Baseball legend.  Tracy is his adorable and dynamic wife!  Together, they are a representation of God's faithfulness and forgiveness.

My Uncle Chuck and Aunt Sharon's ministry MARKINC arranged the interview for a new resource they are putting together for those struggling with addictions.  I ended up being involved because the interview was held at Wycliffe Bible Translator's headquarters!

Both Darry and Tracy Strawberry have intense stories of redemption.  Stories that they want to share with others, because they are stories about God and His undying pursuit of them throughout their lives.

Uncle Chuck and Aunt Sharon
Wycliffe Headquarters, March 9, 2015

Darryl and Tracy shared from personal experience about the power of addiction.  They talked about making wise choices to not place themselves in situations that would bring temptation.  They shared about how at one point they became followers of Jesus, but that sanctification is a continual process, and it is not easy.

My favorite part was probably when Darryl talked about the change he saw in Tracy when she started reading God's Word - the Bible on a daily basis.

"She would get up early, and read the Bible.  I would come downstairs and she would say, 'Hi Honey!' - and I wanted to know why she was so happy all the time.  I wanted that."

They explained in their testimony that it wasn't about being happy or having a lot of material possessions, as much as it was about the Lord's work in their life - and how that allowed them to have full confidence in Him.

Both Darryl and Tracy have huge stories hidden within their typically more famous story of Darryl's baseball glory years.

That started me thinking...

Darryl and Tracy Strawberry
March 9, 2015

What are the stories inside my larger story of who people know me by?

A newspaper headline about me only declares the major stuff that people can see.

But what about all that is unseen?

What are the stories that no one knows about?

What about the stories that seem insignificant, but contribute powerfully to who I am?

What makes up the larger stories and the underlying stories that God has given to each of us?

Is it really possible for each and every story

no matter:

- how big or small,

- how unimportant or how serious,

- how close or how far away from the Truth

to be redeemed by our great God?

Hard to believe, and even harder to live out out, but I am going to claim these truths today:

"For God in all his fullness was pleased to live in Christ,
and through him God

reconciled everything to himself.

He made peace with everything in heaven and on earth by means of Christ's blood on the cross.

This includes YOU who were once far away from God.

You were his enemies, separated from him by your evil thoughts and actions.

Yet now he has reconciled you to himself through the death of Christ in his physical body.

As a result, he has brought you into his own presence, and you are holy and blameless

as you stand before him without a single fault."

~ Colossians 1:19-22

Another life transition: Goodbye Hyundai Elantra.

Last week my car's transmission died.  While it happened in my safety of my neighborhood, it was still a traumatic experience and it happened when I was already late getting to where I needed to go, of course.

The days after my car's jolting ride around the neighborhood were filled with conversations of, "Should we fix it?  Should we sell it?  What if something else breaks?  Is it worth it?  What would life look like with one car?"  

We got the quote back from the mechanic.  It would be $2500 to fix the transmission (i.e. replace it).  After talking to our parents and friends, we came to the conclusion to not fix it.

Last night we sold the car to our mechanic for $500.  He is planning to fix it himself and donate it to charity.

While it's potentially going to a good cause, I still feel a little sad to say goodbye.

This car has been in my life for almost 11 years.

It was there when I started my first job out of college as a middle school teacher in New Castle, DE.  It carried me up & down I-95 every day to work.  It transported lesson plans, and ESL books for my students.

It sat in my parents garage for 2 years while I lived in S. Asia.  Then it carried me around the DE/MD/PA state area as I reported to churches, family and friends what God had been doing in S. Asia.  Road trips to New York, North Carolina... it took me wherever I went.

Then, it was used by my brother while I was in S. Asia for another year.

When I returned, it carried all of my stuff (well a percentage of it anyway) from Delaware to Florida.  More road trips to north, south, east and west Florida, North Carolina and Tennessee.

While I'm really not attached to my car, I do feel like what has been a constant in my life is now no longer there.

Recently, I've been learning a lot about life's transitions.  Big ones.  Small ones.  How our responses to past transitions in life can affect our current day feelings towards various situations.

Life's transitions are inevitable and unavoidable.  Some transitions are not even in our control.  Our responses to them, however, are in our control.

So what is my response to selling my car?

Like other life transitions, while the event might only take an instant to happen, it takes much longer to actually process and move through.

I'm externally making the changes - learning how to share one car with Jason, making plans based on his and my schedule, and finding creative ways to save money for another car.

But internally, I'm still shocked when I walk out the front door and my car isn't there in the driveway.

It's strange...

It's strange being on the other end of things.

It's strange when your Mommy asks what she can do to help you with dinner and you reply, "You can put ice in the glasses," the exact "pre-dinner chore" that was always assigned to you as a kid.

It's strange to say goodbye to your parents because they are leaving your home, rather than because you are leaving theirs.

It's strange watching your parents pack up their suitcases, when you've always been the one with the bags.

It's strange sending your parents off with a snack bag for the plane, just like your mom used to do for you...

I suppose this is:
part of growing up?
a transition or new phase of life?
another point of view I've never really seen from before?

My parents visited us for Thanksgiving and just flew out this morning.

What a blessing to have them see our home and where we live and work and spent time.

Watching Jason and my dad go back and forth about various sports players and games as well as figure out finance details was an answer to prayer I prayed long ago for my husband to get along with my dad, and vice-versa!

I don't know exactly how to maneuver through this phase of hosting my parents, especially as a married woman, but I do know that I cried when they left, and promptly began searching for good deals on tickets for them to come back again sooner than later.

You have to pick and choose.

"When it comes right down to it, you can't do it all.  You really do have to pick and choose."

Wise words spoken to me by a friend this past week.

We were talking about the things that we do with our time, our money, and our lives.

We were wondering if there was more we could do.  Actually, we know there is more we could do, but we struggle to know if there is more we should do.  A very dangerous word.  Should.

What should we do?

Who decides this?  How do we know if we are doing enough?

I believe we can glorify the Lord through doing laundry as well as through translating God's word into foreign languages.  Both have importance and meaning.

But there is a constant inner deceptive voice that tells me this is not true.  The voice says that one type of work, or living in one kind of place is of more value than another.

This quote by John Maxwell is spot on when he says we can't know everyone, can't do everything and can't go everywhere.  What a great reality check in a world that advertises we can do it all and have it all!

It is the second part of his quote about "choosing between good and better" that could either provide support for making good choices, or could lead us into thinking that there is some kind of measure by which we can weigh our performance.

What kinds of things are classified as "good" and when or how does that label change to "a little bit better?"

How could we really measure the difference we might make in one place vs another place, or doing a certain task vs. another task?  Who holds these invisible scales?

"For it is God who is at work in you to will and to act according to fulfill His good purpose…" ~ Phil 2:13

So why then, do I continue to move through life as if what I do one day has more significance than another?  Or act like what I do in one year of my life outweighs what I do in the next five?

Why do I allow unfounded guilt to swallow my present joy in the place where the Lord has me?

Lord, looking back - may I celebrate the people I have met, and places You have taken me to.  May I rejoice in all that You have done.  May I realize the great honor to have even got a glimpse of it in person.

Looking forward, may I not compare it to the past journey You have had me on and especially help me not compare my path to anyone else's journey whether past or present.

Show me what matters most to you.  According to the death of your son.  According to the truth that I am saved by grace alone.  According to Your love for me, regardless of where I live, and what I do.

Even that is hard for me to type -- surely You must love me more if I am serving You in a direct, or more obvious way than through learning to cook with avocados in my own kitchen, right?

The answer is no.

His love is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow.

It is based on the work of His Son.  Not on me.  Not. on. me.

When I even barely start to understand,

my heart is comforted with an overwhelming peace 

The guilt is gone, and the joy returns.

What God is teaching me- Part 2 of 4 ("God Rules the Mundane")

Here is the second blog post about the things God is teaching me this week.

2) I read an article from The Gospel Coalition.  God Rules the Mundane

It was encouraging and convicting to say the least.

I confess that sometimes I get caught up in the belief that my "previous" life overseas is somehow better; that it counts for more; that it is part of something bigger than my current life here.

I often struggle with comparing different seasons of my life and assign value based on the struggle, or the extent to which I had to go in each season.

If it isn't hard, it probably isn't worth it.

If I can speak English, it is too easy.

Being involved on the front-lines of people hearing God's Word for the first time in their own language feels more courageous (or day I say, worthy?) than planning overseas trips for others.  Trekking an hour on foot (after a plane, a train, a bus, and a jeep) to get to your home feels more thrilling (ahem, worthy) than driving my car home from work.  Even doing laundry overseas feels more exciting (once again, worthy) than doing laundry in Florida.

The idea that my location in the world could determine my value is a lie.  The thought that my life is not worthy enough if I speak the same language as my neighbors is a lie.

These are nothing but fiery darts from the Evil One.

Gloria Furman, the author of the blog mentioned above shares: "When I attended a marriage conference taught by Paul Tripp, he said something that devastated me.  Tripp said, "If God doesn't rule your mundane, then he doesn't rule you."

Dramatic, life-altering moments come only a few times during our lifetime - that's why they're dramatic.  The rest of our lives are lived int he common, ordinary mundane."

I need to learn, somehow, by God's grace to listen when He says "You are my child.  Nothing you do or experience elevates you any higher than anything else you do or experience.  I made you.  I love you.  I chose you.  How you worship me, and where you worship me is unique to your relationship with me - it is not indicative of your worth.  I decided you were worth dying for before you were even born!  Nothing you do, and no place that you live can ever change that!"

Why can't I stand what I used to love?

New places, new foods, listening to people, watching them move about, seeing things from 35,000 feet.  I used to love to travel.

Last night, flying home from Delaware to Florida, I really hated it.

Granted, it was a 16 hour long day that should have only been about 3 hours, but still, something deep inside of me yearned to be home 5 minutes after we took off.  The relatively short two-hour flight seemed like eternity.

I thought about how flying across the globe for 15 hours or more, used to feel long, but definitely didn't feel like torture.

Why this change?  Why the frustration?  Why the opposite feelings?

Some of it is a result of physical pain.  As I sat in the airplane seat with two pillows I had purchased in the airport, because I had forgotten mine at home, and knew I wouldn't survive the flight without them...I still had severe pain in my lower back.  In spite of keeping my legs up against the window as I usually do to relieve pain, the pain just seemed to intensify.

Each minute felt like forever.

As we finally flew closer to the ground, I looked out at the window at the night lights of Orlando - watching them twinkle as they hid behind trees and them re-appeared.  (the picture is actually of New York city taken from space)

I thought of all the other cities I've flown over - the smog filled air of New Delhi, India; the lush hills of Bangladesh (before actually getting to the dusty capitol city of Dakha); the mountain peaks of Kathmandu, Nepal; the slums of Mumbai, the never-ending crowds of Nairobi, Kenya; and the list goes on.

Somehow, the joy of flying has been reduced to bare necessity for me.  But why?

I want to love to travel again.  I want to experience that anticipation of years and experiences past.

But, last night, I just wanted to get home.

More than anything, I wanted to not be on a plane, and not fly again for a long time. 

I don't know why God changes our desires, and moves us from place to place (whether physically on a plane, or emotionally in our passions).

I know he uses our gifts and talents to serve Him in different ways in different phases in our life.  I guess I just didn't realize that what was so alive in me at one time could now be so dead.

Perhaps it's not dead, but rather replaced?  God has been calling me to a new phase of life, a new role, a new season for a while now.  Perhaps He is slowly removing what was once my joy and even fulfillment, and exchanging it for His presence, His purpose.  Not that His presence and purpose weren't present before, but they have taken a new shape now.

I can miss the joy of traveling, but I don't need to mourn what was lost.  I can see God providentially preparing me for the present, and look forward with great anticipation at what He will bring in the future.

Lord, you know my heart.  You know my physical pain.  You go before me in all things.  Thank you for the passion and joy brought from experiences in the past. And thank you for the passion and joy that lift me even higher and closer to You, through experiences in the present and the future.  You know what is good and best for me.  And I trust you with my life.

"We are part of God's story."

A couple weeks ago, I was talking to Corine, a dear friend at work.

As an eighty-year old woman who has seen God work in indescribable ways, she is constantly reminding me of the stories that God has given me to share.

One day I remarked, “We get to be a part of God’s story...He is writing it, we have the privilege of being in it!”

This idea made her day, and since then, she keeps telling me of people that she has shared that with.

Today she said, ‘You know sometimes, we have to wait for God to write the next part of the story…’

I said, “Yeah.  That’s hard.  Especially when there is a blank page in front of us, and we have all these ideas with how we think the story could or should go.”

She liked that idea, and asked me to put the whole analogy into writing.

So here goes.  This is for you Corine, and for all those who find themselves overwhelmed and privileged to be a part of God’s story!

-------------------------------------------------

God is the author of the story of our life.

He is writing in permanent ink circumstances that will change our lives, working each event out for our own good and for His glory.  Those two are never in opposition.

He doesn’t do first drafts, and his work doesn’t require editing.  It is published instantly.

He knows the characters of his story better than they know themselves.  He delights in watching them yearn to know the author more and more throughout their lives.

He purposes every moment through the syllables in the story.

Sometimes, it seems like a chapter is missing.  Or it seems like a chapter is a lot longer than it should be.  But the author Himself knows the beginning, middle and end of the story and determines the best possible amount of time for each section.

Sometimes there are sections that require help from others to understand more fully.  These are placed intentionally, designed to bring to light our need for others.

Sometimes, others aren’t able to help us understand.  The struggle to figure it out increases our dependence on the Author himself to reveal the rest of the story as He sees fit.

Sometimes, there is a blank page in the book.  Immediately, the life-or-death need for knowing the rest of the story becomes top priority.  But is impossible to know without words on the page.  So, we take to writing the story ourselves.  As we start, the ink in the pen runs out, the point breaks on our pencil.  The blue screen of death appears as we try to type.

Only God has the ability to author the story titled, “Your life.”

May we enjoy seeking Him in each page, knowing He never gives us anything less than His best.

My life's direction...

This is most likely the first of a few reflections on this book.  For the past few months, I have struggled with how to live life here in America, now that my job has me settled here for a bit.

How can I fully invest here, when for quite a while (10+ years), my life's direction has been to live long-term overseas?  Is that part of my story over?  Is this just a new chapter?  Or am I in a whole new book?

At the Urbana missions conference, I wrestled with a lot of these feelings.  One day my sister and I put our "fears/concerns regarding missions" on a piece of paper and pinned them to a wall, at the random request of a World Vision representative.

I wrote down my questions about life here vs. life overseas, and how could God give me a desire to serve him overseas, but call me to live here-- or at least that's what it seemed.

Then my sister and I walked over to the bookstore.  The first book I picked up was this one.  I immediately realized it was going to be good for me.  I read it in about 4 days - which is a record for me reading any book, as I unfortunately am not a reader.

Chapter 2 especially hit me between the eyes, and here are a few quotes and some of my personal reflections on them afterwards... 

"...overseas I had learned lessons in attentive listening, generosity, community togetherness, and doing what will matter for generations for eternity.  Taking these lessons home to cram them into the shape of my American life was not coming so easily..."

"...the challenge of figuring out how to make life amazing in the land of the free, the nameless and the mundane, without the crutches of airplanes and adrenaline."

Question: "...If you could tell people how to live an amazing life, what would you tell them?"

Answer: "If you are called to be a street sweeper, sweet streets like Michelangelo painted, like beethoven composed music, or like Shakespeare wrote poetry.  Sweep streets so well that all the hosts of heaven and earth will pause to say, here lived a great street sweeper who did his job well." (M.L.K. Jr.)

"Where was the art and masterpiece in anonymity, invisibility, bustle and routine? 

"My years overseas had taught me that short-term trips bore little resemblance to the daily routines and tedious repetitions that shape long-term overseas work even in places that least resemble our homeland...Living overseas in its purest sense, had been about seeking the kingdom of God, not seeking dazzling adventures...  Like it or not, I had to learn to see and serve God, even while sweeping streets."

Chrissy Jeske has captured some of my exact thoughts.  I am thankful that God is helping me realize that seeking Him needs to be my first priority.  Not seeking or saving the lost - He's already done that.  Not the approval of others - God has already approved of me through the death of Jesus.

My life's direction needs to be God's glory, not a location.  Yes, the location is important, but it is secondary.  

I want to apply what I have learned overseas to my life here.  While they are two completely different worlds, I am the same person - and God is not finished with me yet!