What have you done with this quarantine time?

I’ll be blunt. This question has kind of driven me nuts the past few weeks. To be honest, we have done what we have always done. Worked our jobs and cared for our kids. These two things take Jason and me the full 24 hours on any given day.

We are exceedingly grateful to have our jobs right now, and the flexibility to care for our kids in the midst of it all. We are blessed.

Yet, anxiety builds inside me whenever I try to answer the questions floating out there like: “What will you do with your quarantine time?” Or “When you look back on this time, when the whole world paused, of what will you be most proud?” How about this one: “How are you especially cherishing and investing in these special times with your family?”

For our home, life has not paused.  Our world has not been a serene scene where we have hours upon hours to reflect and wonder about life, and figure out ways to serve others better and live more fully when the world starts back up.

Our days are mostly made up of what our days had been mostly made up of before all of this started - but with LESS time overall. Now, instead of working and caring for our kids - we work while simultaneously caring for our kids.

Our bedroom has become our workspace, and the question of, “should I answer my daughter’s call through the crack in the door, or should I respond to this colleague’s question on a zoom call” is a recurring struggle. The continual interruption to a train of thought is unnerving and mentally exhausting. The mom-guilt, and employee-guilt is constant.

What have we been doing?

In-between meetings, calls and emails, our life has been made up of: preparing meals, pureeing baby food, putting socks on tiny feet, tying shoes, snapping onesies, bike helmets, and stroller straps.

We created countless chalk drawings and walked on just about every square inch in a 1 mile radius from our house - multiple times. At least once a day, we pushed the 6 month old in her stroller and watched the 3 year old on her balance bike.

We filled a plastic pool with water and played in it. On other days, we filled the plastic pool with blankets and toys and played in it. We have made “parades” using all the toys in the house. We made “trains” and “trolleys” using Amazon boxes.

We colored, painted, played with play-doh, blocks and stickers. We flew a kite, squirted water guns, and had tea parties.

We picked blueberries, twice - the second time with face masks on. We made blueberry muffins, blueberry lemon bread, and blueberry cobbler. Oh yeah, and blueberry pancakes the size of our plates.

We learned the ABC’s and read books. We danced. We sang songs. We built forts and boats and castles from blankets and pillows.

We celebrated Easter, complete with an Easter hunt and ham dinner. We are planning a birthday party for our 3 year old, albeit everyone who was supposed to be here in person will hopefully get to be a small box on a computer screen instead.

We made “thankfulness paper chains” every day. We read Bible stories, learned catechism questions, and memorized scripture verses.

Minus the daily thankfulness paper chain, all of these things are things we had already been doing, things we would still be doing regardless of COVID19, and they are things we will continue to do.

What we haven’t done

So far, we have not been able to use this time to reach global pandemic level goals that we see others being able to reach. We have not been able to devote hours to meal-planning or organizing our digital photos.

Honestly, we have not even cleaned out our closets.

We have not had conversations on deeper marriage or family issues, although we may have had both lighthearted as well as heated discussions that I attribute to the stress of the pandemic. We have not take advantage of the numerous free courses, subscriptions, or audiobooks that are available right now, although I keep saving them “to do later.”

All in all, while COVID19 may change the world as we know it, we, ourselves, at least to this point, have not experienced what we would define as life-changing moments.

Most of our moments have been the same as they would have been before.

It feels like our current moments somehow don’t count now that our measurement is so much higher thanks to the high expectations of the elite COVID19 quarantine lifestyle.

The truth is, we have made memories.

We have built positive brain pathways for our child, who may not remember these days exactly, but who will remember the general atmosphere and tone of her childhood, which now includes the COVID19 era.

It does not matter if these things get labeled as “what we would have done in our pre-COVID19 life” or labeled as “official quarantine activities.”

The fact is, they happened.

When we choose the right attitude for the moments we have, we have won.

When we smile through the potty training (after we cry in the cluttered closet), and when we can spin around to Disney songs (after we’ve had an anxiety producing discipline moment), we are winning.

When we surrender our need for control to the God who always has been and is still in control, He will guide us.

When we accept we cannot live on our own, and ask Jesus to lead us, He will save us.

When we look back on our COVID19 time and share stories with our children and grandchildren, I think this is what I want to tell them:

‘Yes, it was a strange time. It was a good time. It was hard, and it was happy. It was life. It was a time, not quite just as any other time, but a time nonetheless to trust God with our circumstances and our lives. It was a time, just as any, to rely on the truth of God’s Word, find comfort in His promises, and accept that He is working out good plans for the world.

We look back now and can see pieces of how His plan unfolded, and we trust that it will continue to unfold until Jesus comes again. We are grateful for the gift of time together. We are thankful to know Jesus. We are in awe of our God who saves us.

We have hope now because we can look back and see what God did through coronavirus, and also through the death and resurrection of Jesus. 

We claim this promise in light of COVID19, and for our world in the future: ‘The faithful love of the Lord never ends, His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself ‘The Lord is my inheritance, therefore, I will hope in him!’ - Lamentations 3:22-24

Another article I read recently that captures some similar thoughts.

2017 Goals!

It's that time of year.  The beginning!  The time to plan! #besttimeofyear #goals #plans

I'm more of a planner than my husband Jason, but both of us usually begin thinking about goals for the upcoming year around our wedding anniversary which is November 22.  We have a month or so to reflect on our goals from the past year and consider what goals we might want to have for the coming year.

I can't recall exactly what sparked this idea a few years ago, but I am thankful for it.  I think it was a combination of a Dave Ramsey podcast along with the concept of "we never drift toward good things/holiness" that motivated me to be more pro-active in writing out goals.

Looking back on my Goals for 2016 and Goals for 2015, there are definitely ones that I barely touched, and other ones that I very much succeeded at.

However, in my opinion, the goal of having goals is not so much to accomplish everything perfectly, although that would be ideal.  Setting goals and attempting to reach them helps me prioritize my time and energy in the specific ways I feel that God wants me to glorify him.

It's not an exhaustive list.  And it's not a list that is set in stone.  There may be unexpected things that come up that require our goals to be altered in some way - that's okay.  But in general, when things are hard and I feel like giving up, having a list of goals reminds me what my priorities are and what things in life I want to move towards.

Plus I simply love planning stuff, so making goals is extremely life-giving for me! :-)

And I will say Jason and I have gotten better at making goals over the years.  We try to have realistic expectations.  And now we think about goals for specific categories.  We also attempt to have some goals be measurable so we can see actual progress.

So, without further adieu, here are my goals for this next year.  Oh, and if you visit our home, you'll see both my goals and Jason's posted on our refrigerator.  This helps us hold each other accountable and remember what it was we said we wanted to do!

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and He will establish your plans"- Proverbs 16:3

Elizabeth’s goals for 2017

Family-

1. Marriage:  Give affirmation instead of judgement

2. Kids: Have a baby :-) Do exercises and eat well in preparing for labor!

Social- 

3. Invest in close friends

4. Game night every quarter (4x/year!).

Financial-

5. Do budget every month

6. Look for other streams of income (online)

Career-

7. Write out all tasks on Mon for the week

8.Email or call 2 partners/month to check in

9. Visit all supporting churches this summer!

Spiritual-

10. Read through Bible using weekday plan with Jason (morning)

11. Daily prayer time with Jason (evening)

12. Lead T2Dgroup/women ministry at church

Physical –

13. Walk or Exercise 5x/week.

14. Develop Eno Eating Plan.

15. Beach 1x/month (Emotional health!)

Intellectual –

16. Write 1 blog entry/week

17. Read Surprised by Joy with Jason

18. Read for 5+ minutes before sleeping

19. No social media in the morning!

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. ~ Proverbs 3:5-6

The danger of black and white thinking in devotions

I'll confess that I struggle with black & white thinking.  You can either give it all, or you can give it nothing.  The answer is either yes or no.  There's no middle ground.  I despise uncertainty and ambiguity makes me nervous.  How did I ever survive 3 years in S. Asia? #ByGodsgracealone.

And of course, marriage does a wonderful job at putting this personality quirk of mine (aka: sinful desire for control) in the pressure cooker!  Thankfully, Jason finds my unwavering dogmatic approach to life occasionally strengthening and encouraging, and the rest of the time humorous.

Anyway, this morning, my craving for all or nothing results definitely distracted me from some sweet time with the Lord.  Maybe you can relate.

I took a break from work this morning to sit down this morning and read through Colossians, a book of the Bible that the women in my church are studying this Fall.

Here's how my thoughts when as I sat down to read:

Ahh, yes, I can just read this book straight through...that's the goal for today.

(started reading the first verse)

But maybe I should read all the notes and helps to really grasp it...No, that'll come later...just read the text.

Maybe I should listen to it in audio form...

Maybe I should read it in 2-3 different translations, yeah, I'll do that...

(reading the second verse now)

I should probably listen and read at the same time...nah, I'll read first, then listen.

(reading the third verse)

I should memorize a part of this book...wait how long is it anyway...Yeah, I could try to memorize the whole thing!

(reading the 4th verse)

Wait...I should write a blog post on how distracted I am by trying to become the master of the book of Colossians instead of just reading it for whatever the Lord has in it for me today.

(going to get computer...now typing this blog post...)

Hmmm.

Lesson for today:

Sometimes it's better not to make lofty goals for the future that only distract from the simple things of now.  #beinthemoment  #simplyreadGodsWord #hereandnow

Flashlights, Sandbags and Potting Soil (and marriage)

While you can talk about hypothetical situations, you don't really get to observe how someone will react until the event actually plays itself out.

Over the weekend, we lived through "Erika" - a hurricane turned into a tropical depression, turned into just a big rain storm.

Let me just say that Jason and I had very different ways of preparing for the storm.  And in the process, I realized that we both have a long way to go (me more than Jason perhaps), in allowing room for someone else's perspective on things.

The Flashlight:
Jason: "Honey, we need a flashlight."
Me: "We have a flashlight already..."
Jason: "But it's just a small one..."
Me: "We have lots of batteries for it... it would be sufficient..."
Jason: "I still think we need one. We need a big one.  It would be good to have regardless of the storm."
Me: "But, what do we really need it for?  We don't need it to see anything during the daytime.  Sunset isn't until 8pm, and besides, when it's dark, we go to sleep, so really, there's no need for a flashlight."

Somehow, I think living in S. Asia for 3 years (with very infrequent electricity) prepared me well for hurricanes.  And I do realize now there is no harm in having a reliable flashlight, but I've already built my pride up, so I'm not about to tear it down ;-)

The Sandbags:
Jason: "Honey, I got something to help us prepare for the storm...."
Elizabeth: "Uh oh, please tell me you didn't buy a flashlight..."
Jason :"Nope, this was free."
Elizabeth: (relaxing a little, but still uncertain): "What did you get?
Jason: "SANDBAGS!"
Elizabeth: (silence)
Jason: "For our back porch, to keep the water out.
Elizabeth: (silence and increased blinking as if that could somehow double check my hearing at the same time)

Turns out...the sandbags were at least somewhat helpful... :-)

Jason: "Yup, they were giving them out, lots of people were getting them..."
Elizabeth: Oh my heart.  Seriously?  We do not need sandbags....I can't believe...."

There was a bit more discussion as I tried to grasp what would compel my husband to get sandbags.  I definitely didn't agree with it, but also couldn't entirely disagree with it either.  I mean, the next 3 days were forecasted at 100% chance of rain with flood warnings and watches for our areas - and our ground was already soaked from previous rain.

So, yeah, a few sandbags probably couldn't hurt...but again, my dire need to be self-sufficient combined with my ever rising ego refused to entertain the idea that we might need sandbags.

Jason: "Honey, this is me taking care of our family and our home...so, I think it's good."
Me: (still silence for the most part)

The Potting Soil
Me: "Honey, I might go to the store and get some potting soil to replant these plants..."
Jason: "What?
Me: "Yeah, I need to re-plant those plants we were just given...my goal is to keep them alive."
Jason: "Do you really need it?"
Me: "Yeah, for the plants, when I re-plant them in bigger pots, I need more soil..."

Uh oh...Nala and Reagan...are on the wrong side of the sandbags :-)

Jason: (silence)
Me: "So, I was gonna go get some, did you want to come with me?"
Jason: "Why do we need potting soil for plants that are going to die anyway?"
Me: (frown and frustration) "Honey......come on......"
(after a few minutes)
Jason: "Well, sure I'll come - maybe we can stop and get some more sandbags."

---------------------

It's about priorities.
It's about listening.
It's about entering into someone else's world, even if just for a minute.

Marriage requires you to take on a new perspective.

It's a perspective that we should be taking on all the time -- the perspective of someone else.

The re-potted plants in the new potting soil :-)

Considering someone else's needs, wants, desires above our own.

We can do this in our lives as singles, but we must do this in our lives as married people.

I'll admit, I'm not very good at it.
I want what I want, and I want it when I want it.
And if your needs differ from mine or infringe upon my wants, then they are wrong and ridiculous, and how is it we could have possibly joined our lives together in holy matrimony given that we differ on these two seemingly life or death issues!?

Until......just a drop of reason trickles in.

We step back and a sunbeam (or sometimes a rain cloud) of reality gives us the perspective of the other person.

It huts a bit, but our fingers begin to loosen the death grip on our own agenda.

And it all of the sudden becomes about caring well for someone else.
Being there for them, in his or her own frustration, dilemma, joy, excitement, fear or anxiety.

We are able to enter their world, even if just for a minute.
We can listen.
We can make them the priority, not the flashlight, the sandbags, or the potting soil.

Watching paint dry... Literally.

THE BEFORE PIC

"Honey...we are literally standing here watching paint dry."

My husband, Jason, and I stood about 15 feet back from the house.  The sticky air and unrelenting Florida sun penetrated our entire being; sweat dripped down our backs.  Jason held the paint can, I held the paint brush.

We watched the house - hoping that the lighter and darker shades of paint would somehow become the same color as we literally watched the paint dry.

It all started about a month ago, with a mysterious white stain on the front of the house and a letter from the Home Owners Association informing us that we needed to deal with it.

Attempt #1: So, a couple weeks ago, we took a trip to Home Depot and Mr. Paint Guru told us to get some CLR (Calcium Lime Rust Remover) and a scrub brush.  So we did.  We hosed down the wall, sprayed the CLR, brushed it and rinsed it - several times.  The stain came off, but not completely.

Attempt #2: So, we decided to paint over the stain - as a few people had suggested.  Well.  Have you ever tried to match a paint color before?  If not, let me just say that if you want to feel ridiculous, humiliated and have your pride hurt a bit, go ahead and try it sometime.

It is basically impossible.

Let me explain.

We brought in a paint chip the size of a quarter from one side of the house to Home Depot to see if we could get the same color paint.  Mr. Paint Guru mixed us up a sample of that color.  And just to be sure, we went ahead and got samples of a shade lighter and a shade darker.  We bought two paintbrushes and returned to the house.

We tested the 3 shades on the side of the house - and found one that matched the best.

The problem is that the Florida sun has totally bleached the right side of the house, but not the front.  So the color that works well on the side doesn't exactly show up as the same color on the front.

Needless to say, we painted over the white stain in a semi-inconspicuous area on the front of the house to test out the paint.  Initially, it looked much worse than the original white stain.

But then, as we watched the paint dry, the color darkened to match the color of the house much better!

And thus began the "paint a little, wait for it to dry, check it, then paint some more" routine.

After several cycles, we finally finished.  We do think it is less noticeable than the white-stain from before.  And after sweating and struggling through the 'watching paint dry' process, I don't think we're biased at all.

Still, as the outcome wasn't perfect, both Jason and I kind-of felt like we had wasted a bunch of our time - especially given that we need to re-paint the whole house anyway in the next few months.  Painting the stain was only to buy a little more time with the Home Owners Association, which might work, or it might not.  We'll see.

Either way, watching paint dry today cause me to wonder if there are other situations that I am going through right now that feel similar to the agonizing process of waiting for paint to dry.

Normally, I'm all about efficiency and making the most of the time while I wait for something else.  However, today, there was nothing else we could do, but wait for the paint to dry.

If we had gone ahead and painted more before it was dry, it would have been a huge risk because we couldn't be sure of the outcome since the smaller section hadn't dried yet.

THE LAST PIC

If we had given up at first glance thinking the paint was the wrong color, we might have missed the hope-filled moment when the shade ever so quietly turned darker to more closely match the color of the house.

What areas in my life am I currently finding it hard to be patient?  Where am I tempted to rush in and take over before waiting to see how it might end up without my interfering?

What relationships or tasks in my life have I wanted to give up on because they didn't turn out the way I initially planned?

What situations in my life appear to be much worse at first glance, but in reality only need a little more time to reveal something better than I could have imagined?

Maybe sometimes, in a particular decision or attitude or action, the only response I am called to in that moment is to wait and watch.

Maybe sometimes there's more to be revealed in the process than I realize.

Maybe sometimes I need just to watch the paint dry.

Today's joy: yesterday's memory

Today's joy is my memory of yesterday.

Yesterday, Jason and I got to spend a lot of time together, which was a blessing because he starts his Mon-Tues night classes this week and won't have break for the next few months.

We slept in (til 8:30!), which only happens about 3 times a year because of schedules and then our body's inability to sleep in when we actually have a chance to.

We went to church and were assigned for greeting, so we had the honor to welcome everyone into the service.  The sermon was a great reminder of trusting God even when life is confusing, which it has been recently.  

I somehow developed a negative attitude on the way home from church, and so silently made us homemade blueberry smoothies for lunch.  I think Jason only ate half of his.  Don't ask me what I was upset about - I don't even remember.  I just felt like I had to put this in here because it was also part of our day - in amongst the flowers and butterflies :-)

Jason cautiously and creatively pulled me out of my afternoon slump and we got out of the house to enjoy the beautiful spring day (there's only about 5 days of Spring in Florida and we are in the midst of them right now!).  I'm so grateful for his patience with me and his perseverance that refuses to let me get stuck in the downtimes.  No way to capture this in a picture, of course.

We rode bikes to the tennis courts in our neighborhood and played tennis for a bit! (Note: this is the first time I've played tennis in about…my whole life, except for running to get the balls when my dad used to play for fun a loooooong time ago!)

Then we drove to the lake front in our town and played bocce ball - Jason won one game, and I won one.

Then we went to get some frozen yogurt.  I got sea salt carmel pretzel.

And put health bar and pretzels in it.  Wow.  To. Die. For!

We came home and finished the night with Once Upon a Time - the one and only hour of tv we watch each week.

I have to say that when it came time to walk the dogs, I somehow also got kind-of irritable (I think partly because it was so cold outside), and so I stubbornly and pridefully walked Nala (my dog) super fast ahead of Jason and Reagan (his dog) most of the way around our block.  It took every ounce of energy inside of me, but I eventually I apologized, and we finished the walk together.  Again - it would be easy to deliberately skip over this not-so-uplifting part of our day and it's impossible to get a photograph of it, but it is part of our story and will probably be humorous to look back on one day…if it's not already :-) 

Needless to say, in the midst of today's insane busy-ness, and lots of work that came in from the weekend, I have joy today just thinking about our time together yesterday and thanking the Lord for it!

The long journey to retrieve realistic thoughts

There was a (long) season of my life where I was all too comfortable with the intricate details of traveling to another country and back again.  Packing was easy and I could get through customs and immigration in my sleep.  I was rarely stressed, and the airport (in any country) felt like home.  I knew exactly how much 3oz of liquid was, and always had extra zip-lock bags.  Traveling with only a carry on for any length of trip meant wheeling that around and carrying a small "personal item."  Still, I was still the fastest person through security on any given day.  Delayed flights were opportunities for blog posts, jet-lag was no problem for melatonin, and I always had exactly what I needed, or could easily figure out something with what was available locally.

I've been out of the routine now, for a little while (minus traveling for 5 weeks to S. Asia last summer on a Discover Trip), but the travelling life image came back to me yesterday as I was thinking about my own thoughts and feelings.

Except this time, it wasn't the easy breezy trip prep, journey and unpacking as it had once been.  It seemed much more involved and in the end hardly worth it.

Let me explain.

Two nights ago, I was in Walmart waiting for my husband, Jason, to get some shampoo.  Unknown to me, he decided since he was over in that area to pick up something else he needed.  While it felt like an eternity to me, he came back in what was probably a fairly long 9-10 minutes.  I doesn't soudn like saying it like that, but at the time it felt so long that I started to wonder if he had checked out at another register and might be waiting for me in the car!  Note: He would never do that, and I know that!

Anyway, while I waited, the negative thoughts started in.

"Why is he taking so long?  Doesn't he know we have other things to do?  Doesn't he understand that I am waiting for him?  He is over getting his own personal things, but I have spent the past 15 minutes getting stuff for our family as a whole.  Why do I always have to wait for him?" and on and on the thoughts went.

I struggled.  I fought.

I tried hard to get the positive, or even just the realistic thoughts back in my mind... those truths of: "My husband loves me.  He knows I'm waiting, and I know that he will come as fast as he can.  He isn't in this store for his own sake, he is intentionally getting things we need.  He knows we have other things to do, he will come back soon....Remember the days when you wished you had a husband to wait for?"

There were traces of those positive truths here and there in my mind as I waited -- kind-of like a flight confirmation code gives you the promise of your trip.

But in order to get to the other side - to the land of realistic thought patterns, bags have to be packed, someone takes me to the airport, I have to remove my shoes, get through security, find the gate, at the right terminal, deal with delayed flights, jet-lag, arrival, customs & immigration, locate a taxi, experience strange smells and sounds, unpack my bags, rest, and then, finally, the positive outcome of retrieving the appropriate attitude filter for the situation.

Wow.

Way. To. Much. Work.

For others, positive or realistic responses to a (stressful or annoying) situations come easily and quickly.  I've noticed it's this way for Jason.  When a potentially unnerving situation arises, it seems like Jason rarely (if ever!) is negatively affected or responds negatively to it.  His ability to react well to frustrating circumstances is unparalleled to any I have ever seen!  Especially my own.

It takes me a long time to get there.

Like traveling around the world, it takes an insane amount of mental energy to move from the instantaneous negativity taking off, to actually begin the descent and land on a realistic viewpoint.

So is it worth it?

Is it worth the hassle of traveling around the world to get those realistic and positive attitudes to replace the negative ones that come so immediately?

On the one hand, I've put in the hard work of going to the far corners of the earth to get those truths and have had some victories overcoming the negative assumptions that flood my mind.  Being able to see clearly or to move through a situation with realistic perceptions is freeing!

But, I've also struggled to choose the right response and the outcome hasn't been so great.  Either because I gave up halfway, because the journey was too daunting (aka: my pride was too great), or because the other travelers involved (aka: Jason) didn't do what I was hoping in the midst of my journey which then complicated everything!

While it is a fight, and while it doesn't result in victories by my measurements every time, I know that there is a point to it all.

"In conclusion, my friends, fill your minds with those things that are good and that deserve praise: things that are true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and honorable.  Keep putting into practice all you have learned and received from me -- everything you heard from me and saw me doing.

Then the God of peace will be with you." - Philippians 4:8-9

We are not to fill our minds with these things just for the sake of thinking nice thoughts.

We are not to persevere in this mental challenge when it feels like it is impossible just to fill our time.

These attitude shifts and expectation adjustments result in the peace of God being with us.

That, I do believe, is worth it.

"I told you so"

Yes, it's that warm out already!  Baseball season has started. 

Here is a glimpse into a moment in time that took place this evening:

Setting the stage:

First, we're down to one car right now, while mine potentially dies (we'll find out tomorrow if it's the transmission :-/).

So, I picked Jason up from work.  We had a picnic lunch of ham sandwiches at the little league baseball field.  We went to watch watch some kids of friends from church and students that Jason teaches.

Then we went to trace the route we will take early tomorrow morning to get the car to the mechanic.  We can only drive it about 5 mph, so we wanted to check out some back roads to get there easily.

The conversation:

Me: ...looking at the map intensely, and giving Jason directions: "Honey, turn after the mechanic's street, not down that street, but after it. The one with the mechanic has dead ends - you can't get through"

Jason: ...Turns down the street the mechanic is on.

Me: "Honey, why did you turn here, I said it had dead ends and we couldn't get through…"

Jason:  "Oh well, maybe we can get through…" ...continues to drive down to the end, where it was pretty sketchy and very clearly dead ends.

Me: "I told you so."

Jason: "Wow, really?  If I said that to you…. I think basically neither of us should ever say that to each other…"

Me: "Well… I did tell you…and I'm kinda stressed out cause you have to get to the PTO meeting, and I'm trying to save us time by not having us go down streets with dead ends.

Jason: "Well, I'm not stressed out, you don't need to be either."

Me:   …giving up on that for now…..   "Okay, turn here… and go all the way…."

We turned around and went back the way I originally said.

A few minutes later:

Me: "I'm sorry I said I told you so."

Jason: reaches across the car and gently takes my hand.

Me: …hesitating to respond…. I finally take his hand and say: "But, I'm only partly sorry…"

Jason: "what?"

Me: "Well…I am sorry, but I also feel like you didn't listen to me at all, and didn't even want my help and just didn't care that I was trying to help you with directions…"

Jason: "I'm sorry I didn't listen, you're right, I did need your help and I should have listened to you… I'm sorry."

Me: "I'm sorry too…."

After a few more minutes….

Jason: "Maybe you're next blog post should be, "I told you so.."

Me: a stare back at Jason.

Jason: "I'm just saying."

Between the highlights, the lowlights and the in-between times, one thing is for sure:

There is no one else I'd rather figure life out with than my Jason.  

What's that smell? Present day reactions that stem from past life experiences?

A couple of days ago, I smelled something.

Something foul.  Briefly looked around.  Nothing.

Later on, I smelled it again.  Told Jason about it. He also smelled it.

We took out the trash.  Smell remained.

The next night, we still smelled it.

Looked through the fridge, the pantry, checked our shoes for gross things.

Finally, Jason exclaimed: "Ah ha!!  Found it!"

He had traced the smell and one lone fruit fly up to the top of the fridge where there was a piece of tilapia that had been there for… who knows how long.  Honestly, probably only a couple of days.

It started coming back to me.

Last week I made 4x the recipe of Chili - to have on hand and to give to friends.  In addition, I had just bought another huge 4lb bag of tilapia to put in the freezer.

In order to make room for these items, I had to completely re-arrange our little freezer.

Can I just say that years of packing for weeks in a carry-on have made me an excellent space saver and packer?  I also excel at Tetris ;-)

In the process of re-arranging, this little piece of tilapia must have gotten pushed back on the top of the fridge, and never got put back in.

Regardless of how it got there, Jason was more than exuberant that we had found the source of the smell.  At dinner (go figure, we were having tilapia, no joke), he shared his ideas on how this fish on the top of the fridge could become a blog post.

So, in his honor, I decided to write this post - taking his thoughts, mixed with my own, all initiated by the fish on the fridge.

Here's the analogy. Take it as far as you want.  Like all analogies it eventually breaks down.

The freezer is like our life.
The fish on the fridge represents major life change or transition.
The new 4lb bag of tilapia represents new life experiences.
The chili represents… uh, yeah, see…it's breaking down already…let's leave the chili out of it.

The moral of the fish on the fridge story is that while there are seasons when we need to clean out our life in a variety of ways, if we de-clutter too quickly, there may be experiences that are overlooked and while seemingly not a part of our life anymore, they can still cause a major stink sometimes.

Further Explanation for those who dare to follow this analogy any further:
Cleaning out various parts of my life might mean physically giving some of my material possessions away.  It could mean spiritually refreshing myself in God's grace after living under the law for too long.

Cleaning out could involve emotionally digging into the past to see how my (false) beliefs about events and circumstances affect my current realities and responses to situations.

Focusing on the emotions part for now: If I don't process my major life changes, there will be a distorted perspective through which to view and handle new experiences, which can possibly result in a stinky reaction or response.

So cleaning out, through processing, and debriefing, and surrendering, is necessary.

All major life changes have an impact on who we are today.  Sometimes our past plays a huge role in our positive outlook on life.  Sometimes, it contributes to a latent frustration through which we filter our experiences, whether or not they are similar to the past experiences or something totally new.

Many times, it takes a hint of a stench for us to realize there is something not quite right.  Initially, we can ignore the smell.  But there is an unsettling feeling inside of us, knowing it's there.  We can remove surface emotions (the trash), but that is only a cover, because it's not the real problem.  The stench will continue to grow.  Until we find the source of it, it will increasingly infiltrate our every being (and room in the house).

Let me make this analogy more personal.

Recently, I have reacted to some things (aka: my husband), in some not very pleasant ways.  Shocking, I know.  This is the stench that has come to the surface.  It has grown to the point where it is something I want to deal with.

By God's grace and the help of mentors, I have started working through some past life changes and transitions.  Unpacking, de-cluttering, processing.  Seeing what's behind other things.

Realizing there are deep core beliefs that have been formed by some of my life's transitions.  These core beliefs have a major impact on how I view the world and how I respond to situations today.

Goodness gracious, no wonder the odor is getting so bad.  Some of this stuff has been there a long time!

I wish that the deep stuff in my life was as easy to get rid of as a fish on the top of a fridge.

It's not.

It's hard.  Really hard.

But, to end on a positive note…

I will say that recently (two days ago), I was able to see a tiny bit of fruit of this processing.  A situation arose and instead of viewing it through my mis-proportioned expectations, I could see just a tad more clearly into reality.  I could then respond just a tad more appropriately than I might have a couple weeks ago.  Breakthrough.  Seriously.  It was big, for me.

And as I walked the dogs around the block I felt a little bit lighter.

I can see that God is giving me grace to re-train my mind and strength to examine by beliefs in certain areas to the point where I can apply a realistic filter to situations instead of the negative or frustrating one that I have been using for so long.

It is hard.

But, it is good.

It is a process and will take time.  Maybe lots of time.

But, it is worth it.

"If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast." ~ Psalm 139: 9-10

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