Monday, July 31, 2017

The Balance of All or Nothing

I thought that when I became a mother, my "hard-and-fast," "black-and-white," "all-or-nothing" personality will mellow out a little bit.

Perhaps there is still time, but so far, it seems to only have become more extreme.

Jason recently summarized it this way, "When we got married, you wanted to be the best wife you could be, and have the best marriage. That is a good thing, but your desire to have everything perfect was stealing your joy.  Eventually, you relaxed a little bit.  Now that you're a mom, you want to be the best mom you can be, and try to do everything right. That's a good thing.  But it is also stealing your joy in the moment. Eventually, you will settle down again."

I have a fear of failure, a fear of doing something wrong, a fear of imperfection.

Thus, I want to do all I can to prevent the inevitable.

I have failed, and will fail again.
I have done things wrong, and will do things wrong again.
I have never been perfect, and never will be, this side of Heaven.

Yet, I try to control. I try to manage. I try to organize.

So that things work out. So that things go right. So that things are perfect - that is, from my perspective.

But I am an imperfect human being - so everything I do has at least an ounce of imperfection in it.

Accepting and embracing my fallen state is humbling for me, and not something I do very well.  But it is something that marriage and now motherhood is slowly and painfully helping me figure out.

God is daily stripping down my stubborn, sinful, strong-willed attitude.

But He is doing it in such a gracious way.  He has given me a joyful little girl and an incredibly patient and happy husband.

I can't help but thank the Lord for his goodness to me.

So, while part of me often discontentedly wishes for more or less or something, the other part of me realizes I have exactly what I need, and am growing into exactly who God wants me to be.

"As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him” (Psalm 18:30).

1 comment:

Del Archer said...

It's wonderful to see how God provides. You and Jason make a great team! Lilly will be an amazing young lady! Thanks for sharing. God's giftings can not only be a source of strength, but also temptation when they are not yielded fully to Him. When I try to "control" apart from humble dependence upon Him. He's REAL faithful to deal with me on that. :-) Press on!

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