I am in the midst of a season of anxiety. And okay, sure - let's lump in depression in there too -since they often to gather. It's not necessarily debilitating, but it is pervasive. It affects all areas of my life - and Lord knows it basically ruins my mood on any given day, no matter what is going on.
I’m trying to figure out how to be a Mommy to Lily, how to work my job, how to keep up with the house, the meals, and the laundry...to name a few mostly minor things that almost all people deal with all the time.
I know, I know - “just wait til you have another kid,” or “just wait until something really bad happens…” I realize that there are more challenges ahead (Lord willing!). And, I realize that comparatively speaking, my life is indeed spectacular. I get that.
Of course, the danger with comparison is that it either reinforces pride, or sharply stabs you with weighty guilt.
For me, right now, in the midst of my spectacular life, I’m still just trying to understand all the pieces of it and how I can get them to work together fluidly, which perhaps is futile.
Yes, I’ll admit, I’m struggling primarily because I am still resisting the fact that I am not in control, that I can’t do it all, that I do make mistakes, and therefore: I am not perfect.
UGH.
Growing up is hard because it is so continual. It is never done. It is never complete.
This truth was reinforced quite powerfully after I became a Mommy. And perhaps it is still only a gentle revealing of all I still have yet to realize...did I say yet that our growing up is never ever fully finished?
I am coming to understand that whatever is causing my unhappiness, my unsettledness, my constant state of anxiety is not Lily’s fault, it is not Jason’s fault, it is not because of the weather, and it is not because of the dog….well, at least not all the time.
Like Eve, in the Garden, I too look for someone or something to blame when I feel the consequences of my own failure to trust God’s good plans for me.
While there are serious clinical diagnosis for anxiety and depression, I am sure that 99% of the time, my own specific struggle with it is spiritual.
I don’t mean that the answer is as simple as: read your Bible more. Finding stability and peace is deeper than just checking something off a list in hopes that something you do will save your life.
The reality is that we are not capable of saving ourselves.
The root of my confusion in life, or uncertainty about my who I am, or the overall tight shoulder muscles because I'm not taking full breaths, is because I am looking to myself for the answer and in turn completely forgetting to remember who God is.
When I let myself think about God, just for a minute, I am no longer anxious. I am no longer upset. How can I be?
Still, I so often need help focusing on what is true and what is good, when the frustration, the anger, and the discontentment wells up inside me.
For now, for today, let me listen as someone else reflects on who God is and what He has done.
This is From 2 Samuel 22...David sang this to the Lord when the Lord delivered him from his enemies. David was as good as dead - most likely filled with anxiety. He reflects on God’s awesomeness and faithfulness. David cannot help but sing His praises because His deliverance so clearly could not have come from himself - it had to be the Lord.
David’s response to his salvation is a humble recognition that he is helpless, but he is not without the Help of the only One who can bring life from inevitable destruction. David’s dependence is not on himself, but on the Lord.
“The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge,
my shield and the horn of my salvation.
He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—
from violent people you save me.
I called to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and have been saved from my enemies.
In my distress I called to the Lord;
I called out to my God.
From his temple he heard my voice;
my cry came to his ears.
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
he drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of my disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place;
he rescued me because he delighted in me.
You, Lord, are my lamp;
the Lord turns my darkness into light.
With your help I can advance against a troop;
with my God I can scale a wall.
As for God, his way is perfect:
The Lord’s word is flawless;
he shields all who take refuge in him.
For who is God besides the Lord?
And who is the Rock except our God?
It is God who arms me with strength
and keeps my way secure.
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer;
he causes me to stand on the heights.
You provide a broad path for my feet,
so that my ankles do not give way.
The Lord lives! Praise be to my Rock!
Exalted be my God, the Rock, my Savior!
I will praise you, Lord, among the nations;
I will sing the praises of your name.
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